What does it mean to live honestly? What is humility? How does one slow down and live in the moment? These are my constant questions and the struggle I face. It sounds simple. Be honest. Be humble. Be in the moment. So why is it so hard? I'll tell you why. Honesty means baring my soul to another human being. Fortunately I have a wonderful sounding board who is the closest thing to complete objectivity I've ever known: Total acceptance (notice I didn't say approval!) and completely non-judgmental in nature. I still have moments of hesitation where my perspective is so far off the center mark that I trick myself into thinking withholding info is a good idea. Then I realize that I'm just trying to present an image and I'm not engaging in true honesty.
When I correct the problem and "come clean", my perspective begins to shift almost immediately. I see things more clearly and I can acknowledge where I need to grow and where I need to stay strong and where I need to stop worrying and just BE. More often than not I get my panties in a twist because I think I should be further along in my journey or I think I'm not progressing fast enough (not good enough)....this is where patience comes in. Patience is accepting the natural flow of life, the reorientation of ideas based on understanding and self love. Patience is being humble enough to accept BEING IN THE MOMENT. Not looking to the next milestone or reaching for the next accomplishment, but living today with the decisions I make today. If I am always looking to the future, then I am not intentionally participating in the decision I'm making right now to breathe and choose path A or path B. Looking forward creates a projection of the outcome and I start trying to predict which choice will get me to a result instead of trusting my gut. It takes away from the the heart centered, will defined, intentional experience of the decision itself.
I often treat my confidant like an interactive diary. Rants and self examination threads begin with the familiar "Dear Diary". So my right brained presentation of these thoughts is titled:
I write today with heavy heart
in sadness, confess I've failed
My knowledge sure, desire strong
and will that's been derailed
How many times must I cry
and feel both guilt and shame?
How often must I stop to breathe
because I sin the same?
I know, I know, I have not failed
but in my mind I see
and cannot make the outcome match
the scene to simply be
If visions of how life should be
is measure against today,
then you've already lost the match
before you even play
Clear your mind of all that should
and let your will define
the choices that you make today
to let your spirit shine
And what will will define for me
when thoughts run rampant free....
Oh, yes, I remember now
The heart shows how to be
So in my heart I grieve again
the desires of what should
and teach myself to love instead
all things of me that would
For trusting me is hard to do
when mind gets in the way
and living in the heart of peace
is challenged every day
But now I see the view within
is stronger than the start
and I have come so far today
with being in my heart
And maybe in tomorrow's sun
my will shall stay the course
and reach illusive Any Day
when I come from the source.