There are days when I feel everything around in me in such depth that tears come to my eyes not a few but dozens times in a day. I want to love those that need love and laugh with those that need a laugh.... And then there are days I feel me. Those days have been hard but are getting easier. I like to run away from myself; not totally but enough to be a problem. The issue is complicated by the fact that my world is very different from most others'. My world is full of mystery and magic and fairies and dragons and yes, demons and darkness. This is not my imagination but the very real world that my other senses reside in. I'm learning to master those interactions and it has helped bring me closer to balance.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on when you ask me, I'm very smart. I have a degree in chemistry and I find technical subjects fascinating....or I used to. I still love my chemistry and when in a place of learning, get very excited with the subject. This is a good thing for my job. But the more I accept the parts of me that have been stuffed very tightly into a box, and the more I let that out, the more I am unsatisfied with the daily drudgery. So I find myself at a crossroads....how do I stay true to the expression of my identity while continuing to force my brain into the purely provable scientific realm? So far my answer is....I don't know. So here is a taste of how the 'real' me sees the world. When I wrote this, it had a raw gut meaning...now I understand it is prophetic and more accurate than I could have hoped for in the beginning.
Mystery and Magic
See you not through eyes of sight but with the mystic eyes of light.
Sleek and strong with haunting grace a power of the ether space.
One who knows of what I speak and guides me to that which I seek.
Passion leashed and held within, protecting me from greater sin.
Desperate plea to feed my soul is balanced here with heaven's goal.
Take from him not what you need but listen well to heaven's seed
Be the one I made you first and then you will no longer thirst.
Trust in my divine designs to give you all that will defines.
You will know the promise true of all desire placed in you,
be at peace with My command and grieve the loss perceived at hand
Only then can you be free to know the world as he knows Me;
so much greater My reward when wounds are healed upon the sword.
Painful now it might be seen and painful yet time in between;
relic of an ancient race, you'll meet her in the sacred place.