I find myself repeating the same lessons over and over again. Crying over the same imagined slights and loathing myself for making the same mistakes - or even for being tempted to make them. And always, I find myself back at the same root. Humility...or lack thereof. Rushing through life, expecting that I "should" know this, or shouldn't be subject to the laws of the human condition. I sit, waist deep, in the cesspool of this theme until I can no longer stand the smell of my own shit. Then I move, not in an efficient stride to the edge where I can gracefully exit the bog.... No, I saunter in circles making sure I've waded through all my crap and given it some time and attention before I slip ever so briefly into the sunlight of objective authenticity.
And,when I do step onto solid ground, the joy and beauty is often more than I can understand. I don't really believe that my life could be so pure, so easy, so full of joy. Even as I experience it, I look for it to come crashing to an end. I think somewhere along the way, I believed that life was supposed to be hard- requiring hard work and Herculean efforts before the reward is earned... I have a hard time with change and simultaneously celebrate it. I fear the unknown and lack faith in my creator while submitting completely to His care. You might begin to feel how exhausting this hypocrisy is.
Knowing this has made a difference. The time spent in chaos is shrinking while the time spent in objectivity is growing. I've spoken often of the need for balance. And my mentor, my friend who presents the largest opportunity to develop my will, has reminded me yet again that it takes time and pressure. Breaking the habits of old is only the first step and I'm actually doing really well with that. I don't often celebrate the times I feel tempted but choose to live in the light anyway, and I should. I need more of step two, filling the holes of purged subjectivity with all that is good and nourishing. So, again, today I hit the reset button. I'd say I'm sitting on the edge of the pool. Neither in nor out, and maybe this is ok. Maybe a slow tempering of spirit to become in sync with the light will reduce the rate at which I circle this Path to Nowhere.
Path to Nowhere
(An assignment in Trochaic pentameter for anyone curious about the forced meter)
Think me not a member of the masses
Digging ruts of hopeless angry shame
Climbing up uncertain mountain passes
Comforted by views that stay the same
See unfiltered truth and look with wonder
At perfection of the wounded hearts
Moving slowly toward the distant thunder
Knowing change is where my journey starts