Dear Diary,
Something magical happens when theoretical ideas begin to crystallize in your soul and understanding becomes knowing and knowing becomes being. There is a freedom when need and fear begin to disappear. It all starts with exercising the will and modifying behavior to match your authentic (objective) self. The feelings will come later....

It's also very helpful if expectations and ideals that we cling to are released. This might be the hardest part for me because I still struggle to understand what true fulfillment feels like. I've identified wholeness and satisfaction with the wrong sources for so long that it is a hard habit to change. But change is happening. Deciding every day to live objectively without expectation and with an open heart to God is making a difference.

I mistakenly thought I needed to accept the loss of dreams or submit to grief for the things I can't have. No the relinquishment of expectation looks different to me now. It's trusting that God WILL fulfill the desires of my heart and letting him fill me with the desires according to His plan.

Catalytic Waiting

When time is ripe with sun laid gold
the bosom of her soul
melts gently in the time slipped wealth
of stories yet untold

She wakes and sleeps in timeless days
existing on the morrow
while friendship's grasp of honest fate
holds light before the sorrow

tempered in perpetual bliss
the hope released again
of falsely held expectant love
subjective sin within

retreating to the temple pure
of sacred sanctuary
the cup of life is filled again
united self to marry.